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TV Listings: Screwballs

The Onion - Sun, 01/29/2012 - 17:00
ABC Family 7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST The gang engages in all the hijinks allowed by ABC Family Worldwide's strict programming guidelines, including a three-second pillow fight and almost dropping a birthday cake.


Categories: Entertainment

At This Point, Student Loan Collector Just Wants To Know If Area Man Okay

The Onion - Sun, 01/29/2012 - 16:00
At This Point, Student Loan Collector Just Wants To Know If Area Man Okay


Categories: Entertainment

BERWYN, PA—Party guests braced themselves for the awkward leg of the house tour when they would silently pass the Clark family's bedrooms.

The Onion - Sun, 01/29/2012 - 15:00
BERWYN, PA—Party guests braced themselves for the awkward leg of the house tour when they would silently pass the Clark family's bedrooms.


Categories: Entertainment

Sports: Super Bowl XLVI

The Onion - Sun, 01/29/2012 - 14:00
It's Super Bowl time, and our analysts have methodically outlined what the Pats and Giants have to do so that fans don't feel vaguely disappointed by this uninspiring game.


Categories: Entertainment

[video] World’s Greatest Trombonist Just Tells People He Works In Marketing

The Onion - Sun, 01/29/2012 - 14:00
A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation.


Categories: Entertainment

Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again

The Onion - Sun, 01/29/2012 - 13:00
AKRON, OH—After spending nearly $350 on sex toys that included the John Holmes cast-molded plaster penis, the E-Class Screamer, and the Eve's Double-Pleaser Dong XI, couple James Keneally and Pam Nguyen confirmed Thursday they would never go dildo s...


Categories: Entertainment

Sportsgraphic: College Football Signing Day

The Onion - Sun, 01/29/2012 - 11:30
As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects. 


Categories: Entertainment

Eli Manning Asks Peyton If He Can Crash At His Place

The Onion - Sun, 01/29/2012 - 10:00
INDIANAPOLIS—Pointing out that Peyton has a big house in Indianapolis and that they never hang out together anymore, Eli Manning approached his brother Friday to ask if he could crash at his place when he's in town for the Super Bowl.


Categories: Entertainment

Fan On The Street: On The Tigers Signing Prince Fielder

The Onion - Sun, 01/29/2012 - 05:00
On The Tigers Signing Prince Fielder


Categories: Entertainment

NEW YORK, NY—NBC Nightly News correspondent Richard Engel wasn’t sure why he thanked anchorman Brian Williams at the end of his news story. He was the one who traveled all the way to Syria for it.

The Onion - Sat, 01/28/2012 - 17:00
NEW YORK, NY—NBC Nightly News correspondent Richard Engel wasn’t sure why he thanked anchorman Brian Williams at the end of his news story.


Categories: Entertainment

Real Estate: The Art Of Compromise

The Onion - Sat, 01/28/2012 - 16:00
Never imagined you'd be 35, married with two kids, and working a job you can't stand in a town you once vowed to leave?


Categories: Entertainment

Pathetic Harbaugh Family Unable To Get Even One Son To Coach In Super Bowl

The Onion - Sat, 01/28/2012 - 15:00
Pathetic Harbaugh Family Unable To Get Even One Son To Coach In Super Bowl


Categories: Entertainment

Woman On Television Claiming There's A Science Of Eyelashes

The Onion - Sat, 01/28/2012 - 13:30
Woman On Television Claiming There's A Science Of Eyelashes


Categories: Entertainment

Satellite pics, Trek dream home, Avengers news and more!

SyFy.com - Sat, 01/28/2012 - 13:00

This week's Hottest Stories and Best Comments highlight some wonders of humanity: man-made items as seen from space, a lovingly made (and soon-to-be-ruined) Trek dream home, our favorite superheroes (Avengers! Batman! Captain America! Wonder Woman!), the tragedy of Firefly and ... wacky theories brilliant scientists actually believed.

Categories: Entertainment

Letters To The Editor: Injured Bird

The Onion - Sat, 01/28/2012 - 12:00
Dear The Onion, In my yard there’s a bird that’s been injured. Should I just go step on it? Greg Romanov, Champaign, IL


Categories: Entertainment

Department Of Housing And Urban Development Issues Report Just To Keep Name Out There

The Onion - Sat, 01/28/2012 - 11:00
WASHINGTON—Citing a lack of name recognition, officials at the Department of Housing and Urban Development issued a brief, one-page report on mortgage trends Tuesday "just to keep the agency fresh in people's minds." "In cabinet-...


Categories: Entertainment

Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create

The Onion - Sat, 01/28/2012 - 09:30
CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has in­flicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn't wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them ...


Categories: Entertainment

TV Listings: Piers Morgan: The Animated Adventure

The Onion - Fri, 01/27/2012 - 18:30
ABC 9 a.m. EST/8 a.m. CST This Saturday morning, Piers sets out on a quest to find the most-talented person in all of Morgania before sitting down for a chatty, yet in-depth interview with cartoon Rob Lowe.


Categories: Entertainment

Australian Open Canceled As Tennis Balls Fall Off Bottom Of Earth Into The Sky

The Onion - Fri, 01/27/2012 - 16:30
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Organizers of the Australian Open canceled the highly anticipated Grand Slam event Wednesday night after admitting they were unable to prevent tennis balls from falling off the underside of the planet and into the sky.


Categories: Entertainment

American Voices: Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food

The Onion - Fri, 01/27/2012 - 15:00
A bill introduced by Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey would prohibit the use of aborted fetuses in food products.


Categories: Entertainment

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