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TV Listings: Screwballs
ABC Family
7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST
The gang engages in all the hijinks allowed by ABC Family Worldwide's strict programming guidelines, including a three-second pillow fight and almost dropping a birthday cake.
Categories: Entertainment
At This Point, Student Loan Collector Just Wants To Know If Area Man Okay
At This Point, Student Loan Collector Just Wants To Know If Area Man Okay
Categories: Entertainment
BERWYN, PA—Party guests braced themselves for the awkward leg of the house tour when they would silently pass the Clark family's bedrooms.
BERWYN, PA—Party guests braced themselves for the awkward leg of the house tour when they would silently pass the Clark family's bedrooms.
Categories: Entertainment
Sports: Super Bowl XLVI
It's Super Bowl time, and our analysts have methodically outlined what the Pats and Giants have to do so that fans don't feel vaguely disappointed by this uninspiring game.
Categories: Entertainment
[video] World’s Greatest Trombonist Just Tells People He Works In Marketing
A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation.
Categories: Entertainment
Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again
AKRON, OH—After spending nearly $350 on sex toys that included the John Holmes cast-molded plaster penis, the E-Class Screamer, and the Eve's Double-Pleaser Dong XI, couple James Keneally and Pam Nguyen confirmed Thursday they would never go dildo s...
Categories: Entertainment
Sportsgraphic: College Football Signing Day
As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects.
Categories: Entertainment
Eli Manning Asks Peyton If He Can Crash At His Place
INDIANAPOLIS—Pointing out that Peyton has a big house in Indianapolis and that they never hang out together anymore, Eli Manning approached his brother Friday to ask if he could crash at his place when he's in town for the Super Bowl.
Categories: Entertainment
Fan On The Street: On The Tigers Signing Prince Fielder
On The Tigers Signing Prince Fielder
Categories: Entertainment
NEW YORK, NY—NBC Nightly News correspondent Richard Engel wasn’t sure why he thanked anchorman Brian Williams at the end of his news story. He was the one who traveled all the way to Syria for it.
NEW YORK, NY—NBC Nightly News correspondent Richard Engel wasn’t sure why he thanked anchorman Brian Williams at the end of his news story.
Categories: Entertainment
Real Estate: The Art Of Compromise
Never imagined you'd be 35, married with two kids, and working a job you can't stand in a town you once vowed to leave?
Categories: Entertainment
Pathetic Harbaugh Family Unable To Get Even One Son To Coach In Super Bowl
Pathetic Harbaugh Family Unable To Get Even One Son To Coach In Super Bowl
Categories: Entertainment
Woman On Television Claiming There's A Science Of Eyelashes
Woman On Television Claiming There's A Science Of Eyelashes
Categories: Entertainment
Satellite pics, Trek dream home, Avengers news and more!
This week's Hottest Stories and Best Comments highlight some wonders of humanity: man-made items as seen from space, a lovingly made (and soon-to-be-ruined) Trek dream home, our favorite superheroes (Avengers! Batman! Captain America! Wonder Woman!), the tragedy of Firefly and ... wacky theories brilliant scientists actually believed.
Categories: Entertainment
Letters To The Editor: Injured Bird
Dear The Onion, In my yard there’s a bird that’s been injured. Should I just go step on it? Greg Romanov, Champaign, IL
Categories: Entertainment
Department Of Housing And Urban Development Issues Report Just To Keep Name Out There
WASHINGTON—Citing a lack of name recognition, officials at the Department of Housing and Urban Development issued a brief, one-page report on mortgage trends Tuesday "just to keep the agency fresh in people's minds." "In cabinet-...
Categories: Entertainment
Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create
CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has inflicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn't wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them ...
Categories: Entertainment
TV Listings: Piers Morgan: The Animated Adventure
ABC 9 a.m. EST/8 a.m. CST This Saturday morning, Piers sets out on a quest to find the most-talented person in all of Morgania before sitting down for a chatty, yet in-depth interview with cartoon Rob Lowe.
Categories: Entertainment
Australian Open Canceled As Tennis Balls Fall Off Bottom Of Earth Into The Sky
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Organizers of the Australian Open canceled the highly anticipated Grand Slam event Wednesday night after admitting they were unable to prevent tennis balls from falling off the underside of the planet and into the sky.
Categories: Entertainment
American Voices: Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food
A bill introduced by Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey would prohibit the use of aborted fetuses in food products.
Categories: Entertainment
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